Something that people should always remember is that whenever we go through difficult times, we are never alone. There are others in this world who care about us—whether they are family members, friends, co-workers, or even strangers—and who will be by our side even if just in thought or prayer.
My family and friends were always there for me. Although I was the one who had cancer and the one who had to fight, they were also fighting with me. They gave me strength and courage through their support and prayers. That was important because the love and the care they displayed made me realize that they did not want to lose me and I did not want to lose them. They inspired me to fight even more.
Other people who supported me and prayed for me were my teachers and my classmates from high school. They did so much for me and I will always be grateful for that. Since my parents were struggling to pay the medical expenses, my teachers organized fund-raisers and collected a good amount of money so that my parents could pay the bills. They also ordered and sold cancer wristbands with the words, "Strength and Courage." My classmates, on the other hand, created cards for me for the holidays and for my birthday with inspirational words. I always had tears in my eyes when reading them.
The nurses, the oncologists, and the rest of the staff who took care of me at the Valerie Center and the Goryeb Children's Hospital at Morristown Medical Center never left my side as well. They were not just there to inject me with medicines or with chemotherapy, but they were also there to cheer me up and to make sure that I was not feeling lonely.
Slowly, they became more than just nurses, doctors, or staff members; they became my second family. I felt loved among them, but most importantly, I felt safe. In fact, there were days when I did not want to go home after being released from the hospital. I know it sounds crazy. You may ask, "Why did you want to stay there?" Well...it's because I felt like nothing could go wrong when I was there. The hospital was basically my haven.
Besides receiving support from my family, my friends, my high school teachers and my classmates, the nurses, the doctors and the staff members from the hospital, I also received support from strangers. There were people who I did not know, but who learned about my condition either from a relative or from one of my teachers. Most of these strangers were my mom's co-workers or friendly customers.
I received many things from these people who I never met. Some of these things were flowers, get well cards, inspirational books, journals where I could write down my thoughts, and even checks. It amazed me how much support and prayers an individual can get from people who they do not know.
I am thankful for all of the people who stood by my side during my battle and who supported me and prayed for me all the way through the end. They believed that I could make it and here I am today.
I am not alone...I was not alone...I will never be alone.
When a person goes through problems or struggles in his/her life, he/she must find that special something that will help him/her to overcome his/her obstacles. In other words, people need some kind of motivation that will give them strength and prevent them from giving up.
Motivation can develop from anything; it can range from a person's interests and hobbies. In fact, if there is an activity that a person loves or enjoys doing, such as painting, writing, or reading, it's important that the person never gives up this activity because it can help to keep the mind relaxed, and also motivate him/her.
Two things that motivated me throughout my battle against cancer were poetry and music. As a child, I always had a passion for writing. I began to write poems when I was 7-years-old and I still write poems to this day. I write about everything, especially about situations or obstacles that take place in my life. I find writing poems a good way to express oneself because a person can just write down on a piece of paper all of his/her thoughts and feelings. I think that the way words, images, and emotions flow on paper helps a person to understand better the situation they are in.
I wrote several poems during my chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Some poems (the ones I wrote when I was feeling down) are a little bit depressive; others (the ones I wrote when I was in a better mood) display faith, courage, and motivation to win my battle. Then, there are those weird poems that I wrote after I was given pain killers, such as Morphine, or anti-nausea medicines, such as Benadryl. Although these poems are "out there," I have to say that they are my best work because they incorporate more imagination compared to my other poems.
I loved writing poems throughout my battle. It was a great way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. It's not easy to talk to others about what you are going through, especially if it's something serious like cancer. Also, if the person you talk to has never experienced what you are experiencing, then they will not be able to understand where you are coming from. Therefore, sometimes it was difficult for me to express myself with my family members or my friends. However, when I wrote poems, all of my emotions poured out in that white, blank piece of paper and I did not have to worry about explaining in details how I felt because the words that I chose for a specific poem described what I was going through.
To me, writing poems was therapeutic. I could just write down whatever passed through my mind—whether they were good, bad, happy, sad, or angry thoughts. I tried to write as many positive poems as I could, and those are the ones that motivated me and that helped me to fight.
Besides writing poems, I also listened to music. I never listened to the same genre; it mostly depended on my mood. When I was feeling down, I would listen to artists such as Evanescence. The songs that I listened to the most from the band during my treatments were "My Immortal" and "Bring Me to Life." For some reason, these songs filled the hole that I had deep inside.
When I was more cheerful, however, I would listen to artists such as Madonna and Christina Aguilera. I loved listening to "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera because I felt like I could relate to that song. Even to this day, I can still relate to it. It seems like this song was written just for me...the fighter that I have become.
One of the most necessary things to do while battling cancer is to eat a well-balanced diet. This is important because once a person starts chemotherapy and radiation treatments, his/her body will become weaker—physically and mentally—as each day goes by. Also, he/she will start to lose a great amount of weight, and therefore, that person will need all of the proteins and minerals that he/she can get from food.
It is difficult to eat due to the nausea, the vomiting, the loss of appetite and the loss of taste, but a person must not give up. He/she needs as much energy as possible in order to beat the cancer. If solid food does not look too appealing, then perhaps food in liquid form will be a better option.
I remember some days when I did not want to eat at all; it could have been because I was always nauseous or because I did not have an appetite. I lost about 20 lbs...it was sickening. Although I had a feeding tube implemented in my stomach in order to help me gain most of my weight back, my oncologist still wanted me to eat through my mouth whenever possible.
I tried my best, and sometimes, I succeeded. Most of the times though, I was drinking energy drinks, such as Ensure and Boost because solid food—even the smell of it—would make me nauseous. Ensure was not my favorite, but I did not mind drinking Boost; it tasted so much better than Ensure.
Although it is important to eat a great amount of vegetables, fruits, carbohydrates and even fatty foods during chemotherapy and radiation treatments in order to increase weight and nutrients in the body, energy drinks are okay too because they provide the same type of vitamins and minerals.
When in doubt of what kind of foods to eat throughout cancer, a person should ask his/her oncologist or dietitian. They will be able to explain which foods are needed in order to gain more weight and more nutrients, and therefore, be a stronger fighter.
Before I had cancer, I never thought that at some point in my life I would be taking so many drugs. When I say "drugs," I am referring to prescription drugs. Many of these prescription drugs included medicines that are prescribed every day, such as antibiotics. Others included pain killers...oh yeah!
My low immune system weakened my antibodies, and I was always catching infections and running a fever. My antibodies could not fight alone, so I was always given antibiotics to feel better.
The bad part is that I would get sick not from just one infection, but from multiple ones at the same time. I had to take so many pills every day that I could not keep track of them. Sometimes, I would forget to take an antibiotic. The doctors gave me one of those big pill containers that had the days of the week on it and also the hours of the day. They said this would help me to keep track of what to take at what time, but I still skipped some pills.
I was just so tired of taking pill after pill after pill. In the beginning of my treatment, I did not mind, but as my treatment continued and as I became more sick, the antibiotic intake increased, and it just became too much to bear. I would literally take 14 different antibiotics every day. Most of them were in pill form and a few were in liquid form. The liquids were more disgusting than the pills.
I remember that the antibiotics made me sick to my stomach. Sometimes my stomach would hurt; other times, I either could not go to the bathroom or go to the bathroom too many times in one day. That's why some days, I would just skip some pills. It was not a smart thing to do, but I was sick and tired of getting stomachaches. When I did not take my pills, the doctors and the nurses were not too happy. Most of the times, they checked on me to make sure that I was taking them; they would not leave the room unless I took my medications. That's when I had no choice but to take them; then, I would feel an earthquake in my stomach.
Not all medications were unbearable. The ones that I did not mind taking were the pain killers. Yes, you heard me! PAIN KILLERS!! Who does not like them? I will be honest...I enjoyed having them around. Some of them (my favorite ones) made my life a little bit easier.
Since I experienced different types of surgeries, I had to go through a lot of pain. When I had my Endoscopic Sinus Surgery after my treatments, the surgeon prescribed Codeine. This type of surgery was not too painful, but it was so uncomfortable because I could not breathe through my nose; instead, I had to breathe through my mouth. Apparently after the surgery, the surgeon stuck a gauze inside my nose in order to stop the bleeding. I had no idea why I could not breathe through my nose until the next day, when he pulled out the gauze. I thought my brain was coming out of my nose. It was not a pleasant thing to see or feel.
When I had my gall bladder removed due to gall stones a year after my treatments, the surgeon prescribed Percocet. This type of surgery was painful because I had three incisions: one in my belly button and two on the right side of my stomach. The surgeon also removed my port-a-cath that day and he closed the hole in my stomach where my feeding tube used to be. I had so many stitches in the same area that I could barely move, but I did not care; I knew this was going to be my last surgery.
Besides Codeine and Percocet, I was also prescribed Morphine during my treatments. Sometimes, I would get an infection around the feeding tube site that led to sharp pains on the left side of my stomach. It felt as if somebody was stabbing me with a knife. I could not stand the pain and often, I screamed. The nurses would inject me with Morphine, and the pain was gone in a matter of minutes.
I am not going to lie...I loved Morphine. It was my favorite pain killer. I remember perfectly the first time when one of the nurses injected it in my IV. I saw stars everywhere! My brain was conquered by this amazing feeling that I cannot explain. I never wanted it to go away!
The best part is that every time I was in a lot of pain due to an infection, the doctors would hook me onto this machine that injected me with a certain amount of Morphine every hour. If the pain increased, I could press a button on the machine and it would release more Morphine, but only every 20 minutes. It was great! The only bad thing is that the continued Morphine intake eventually led to mood swings.
Sometimes, I was perfectly fine—cheerful, happy, and nice. All of a sudden, I would get upset at whoever was in my room (most of the times my mother) for no reason. Many times, I kicked her out of the room. Now that I think about it, I feel bad, but when I was sick, having her around all of the times aggravated me. I know that she was there to help me, and I am grateful for that, but sometimes I just wanted to be alone. That's normal; it happens when you are battling cancer. Nobody should be offended by that.
The sad part is that I do not even remember being mean to her. I know these things because the nurses, the doctors, my family and friends have told me so. I think that all of the drugs that I received during my treatments made me a little bit crazy, especially Morphine. I miss the amazing feeling that it gave me, but I just was not myself.
Other drugs that I was given were anti-nausea medicines, such as Kytril, Zofran, Benadryl and Ativan. These medications prevented me from feeling nauseous all of the times. If it were not for them, I would have vomited every five minutes...literally.
My favorite ones are Benadryl and Ativan. Why, might you ask? Because not only did they prevent nausea, but they also relaxed me and helped me go to sleep, especially Ativan.
Initially, I was given Ativan for the nausea, but as my treatments continued, I could not sleep at night. It must have been because I was in a different environment, sleeping in a hospital bed rather than my own bed. Eventually, I was given Ativan before I went to sleep and it would knock me right out. However, I noticed that before I fell asleep, I was very calm and my head was in the clouds...I liked that very much.
The bad thing about Ativan is that it is very addictive, and since I was given it every night throughout my treatments, I became addicted to it. I could not go to sleep without it; I was completely hooked on it. It was difficult for me when at the end of my treatments my oncologist told me that I had to stop taking it. He said that since the cancer was in remission and I was finally at home, there was no need for me to keep taking it.
I remember him saying that once I finished my pills, he would not write another prescription for me. He also said to stop taking Ativan little by little rather than all at once because I would feel its absence. I honestly thought that I was not addicted to it and that I was going to be fine without it. I was wrong!
The first night that I did not take Ativan, I was going crazy. My hands were shaking and I had insomnia. I was laying on my bed, freaking out. I got up, picked up the pill bottle, and swallowed my Ativan. That's when I realized that I was addicted to it. My oncologist was right; I had to stop taking it slowly. I followed his advice and the following night, I cut the pill in half. That night, I only took half of it and the following night, I took the other half. After that, I cut the pill in four parts and for the next four nights, I only took one quarter of the pill.
Days later, I did not need Ativan anymore. I was able to fall asleep on my own and that was a big accomplishment for me because I was slowly getting my life back—I had just finished chemotherapy, I was no longer taking any medications, and my future was starting to look brighter.
I admit it, however, that I do miss those days when my favorite friends made me smile!
Although we may go through difficult times in our lives, we should always make the best of everything. I know that it's not easy, but then again, nothing in life is easy. At some point in our journey, we will have to climb the highest mountain, whether we like it or not, and we should do it with a positive attitude.
I had a positive attitude when climbing my highest mountain. It was not worth thinking about, "What if I don't make it?" In fact, thinking in that manner would have made things worse, and most likely, I would not have made it because of my negative attitude. It may be difficult at first to understand the concept of positivity vs. negativity, but believe it or not, thinking positively helps your mind to heal and you will overcome the problem or the situation.
I was afraid to die and in the beginning, it was difficult for me to think positively...it's normal. However, I started telling myself that I was going to kick cancer's butt no matter what, and this helped me to fight and to not give up. I had faith in myself and in my words. I would not be here if I did not think positively.
I also tried to make the best of my condition. Yes, I was very sick, but cancer could not stop me from having a good time with the people that I loved. I would not allow cancer to make me feel unhappy. Even though there were days when I felt miserable and moody due to the treatments and the drugs that I received, I always tried to look at the bright side.
I remember when my friends visited me at the hospital. I tried my best to be cheerful. I did not want them to feel bad for me. That's the last thing that I wanted...people feeling bad for me. Our friendship did not change; we hanged out in that white, plain, and boring room as if we were hanging out in my room back at home. We always had a good time together.
We watched movies and played games. Sometimes, we talked about school. Since I was not allowed to attend my senior year in high school due to my low immune system, my friends would tell me everything that I missed. We had fun just talking and joking around. When they were not able to come to the hospital, they called me and we would talk for hours.
Missing high school was a big deal for me because education means so much to me. When I was told that I could not attend school, my world came tumbling down. I started thinking about not being able to graduate from high school, not being able to attend my first prom, and maybe not being able to apply for college. I was afraid that I would not be able to realize my dreams.
The social worker at the hospital told me to focus on the present and to hold off the future for a while. She said that I needed to concentrate on what was happening rather than what could happen. She was right. I listened to her advice and I affronted each day step by step. I focused on the present rather than on the future. I still had dreams that I wanted to realize, but I had to hold off my future if I wanted to survive.
All of my strength was used for the present and for one sole purpose: to kick cancer's butt. I knew that I would win my battle against this stupid disease; there was no way that I would let it take me down. Again, my positive attitude paid off. I was able to graduate from high school, attend my first prom, and apply for college.
As for my dreams and my future, they would always be there, waiting for me...and they did wait. I am now a journalism student at Kean University, fulfilling my dream of becoming a talented journalist/writer. Hopefully, someday, I will be the editor-in-chief of a newspaper or a magazine; perhaps my own.
I know that I will succeed in life. All I need to do is have faith, believe in myself, and think positively...because anything is possible!
